| Sundanced |
[20 Apr 2006|02:26am] |
S.D.
I've been thinking possibly hooking up with a guy, no guy in particular, for curiosity's sake.
I probably won't.
I'm back to talking with that girl again because, well, recreational activities are thoroughly enjoyed with someone else. Sucks other people are either busy with work, school, lack transportation, etc...She's a short block away and there's no guilt.
I don't know why I go to school.
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[27 Mar 2006|01:47am] |
S.D.
Very antsy.
I like the jobs they give Aries. They're neat...
Olympic Athlete
Personal Trainer
Bouncer
Prison Warden
Drill Sergeant
Stunt Person
Prize Fighter
Fire Chief
Mercenary Soldier
High School Coach.
Nothing I'd like to do personally, but I love the message behind them.
She contacted me again. She first wanted me to visit her at work and entertain her. I said no and gave reasons, and then said I thought she was upset with me. She said she was because she saw me as avoiding a question of hers earlier in the week, asking what I had told my chum/her ex about her. I kept it vague but did answer her. She just didn't get the text. I answered again, she then phoned me, I suppose to hear my tone and get information quicker. I was even and civil, as I try to be, gave her her information, and then we hung up. I hope she thinks about things...and forgets about him.
I think I may have cancer. Please...don't let it be cancer.
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| Ides of March/They've Come To Wish Me An Unhappy Birthday |
[22 Mar 2006|10:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
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Merry as A Clam |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Strawberry Wine Bubbles |
] |
S.D.
Yeah, I got my bud back!
I think. I mean, I hope I do. All the signs are there...but he can be a sketchy b*tch at times.
The woman is out of the picture and it wasn't good!
All the more pleasing.
Man, when have I last updated this mother...Whatever. I'm exhausted. Another year older. Why?
WHY?
So...I ordered those Smiths Indeed reissues. That should be a nice gift.
Nothing else out of the ordinary, that being alone and tired and yeah, that. It's all good in the hood, I suspect. I should be used to this by now, ha.
My oldest friends have left me for various reasons. It's cool, people grow and move on, etc. My eyes are blurry.
I really just want this school year to be over because I've botched it so bad...and once I screw something up, it rarely comes around in the end. Better to just cut it off when you f*cking can, you know.
Maybe I'll get a job. Or just lay in the street. That's always fun. I really do believe I am now teetering the line of sanity and insanity. If I question that, seriously question that, does it make me any more of either?
I hate Bruxism. :(
Edit: I need to stop reading these damn medical books. All I do is read them and pray I don't have anything. Mostly, my mind somehow corners me into thinking I have these disorders/diseases, etc...and I get panicky. I can calm myself down real fast, it's not like a panic attack or hyperventilation, just dread racing up and throughout my brain. F*ck.
But what else am I supposed to do at this time of night?
Anyway, back to that thing with my bud and his girl...the same girl who I used to be attached to through that sorry means. What the hell happened to me back in the day? It's been just over a year now. We tried just being friends (that's all I ever wanted to be) but she made things difficult by constantly bringing sh*t up, forcing me to react moreso than I wanted to. I couldn't be that cold.
Wait.
I am now.
Anyway, after me, she got with my best friend. I hated them both. I knew her reasons were selfish and vindictive, and he was too naive to see her for what she really was. He found out the hard way. Half a year later he realizes his folly and we are speaking again. He nows says the same things I've said...though from a different angle because he actually cared for her in that cupidian type of way. Still, I took his ass back because he's like a brother and basically one of the only people I know I can actually ease up with. He's a lucky punk. Damn, I get chills of hatred creeping down my skin when I remember how she told me she hooked up with him because he reminded her of me. Yes, that makes it all the more understandable.
I told him I cleaned up my act.
I haven't. Not yet, at least.
Well, I've basically cut out smoking and drinking...save for the truly celebratory nights. No more mistakes through their means. Funny, the only mistakes I truly regret are through their means...that's how I was tied up with her.
I'm tired. I think something is wrong with my sensory nervous system. I've had several horrifying nights of truly believing spiders were seizing my bed from everywhere. I couldn't sleep...yet I'm not really afraid of spiders. I see smoke right now...but nothing's burning.
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| Ides of March |
[22 Mar 2006|10:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
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Merry as A Clam |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Strawberry Wine Bubbles |
] |
S.D.
Yeah, I got my bud back!
I think. I mean, I hope I do. All the signs are there...but he can be a sketchy b*tch at times.
The woman is out of the picture and it wasn't good!
All the more pleasing.
Man, when have I last updated this mother...Whatever. I'm exhausted. Another year older. Why?
WHY?
So...I ordered those Smiths Indeed reissues. That should be a nice gift.
Nothing else out of the ordinary, that being alone and tired and yeah, that. It's all good in the hood, I suspect. I should be used to this by now, ha.
My oldest friends have left me for various reasons. It's cool, people grow and move on, etc. My eyes are blurry.
I really just want this school year to be over because I've botched it so bad...and once I screw something up, it rarely comes around in the end. Better to just cut it off when you f*cking can, you know.
Maybe I'll get a job. Or just lay in the street. That's always fun. I really do believe I am now teetering the line of sanity and insanity. If I question that, seriously question that, does it make me any more of either?
I hate Bruxism. :(
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| Molasses |
[06 Mar 2006|08:17pm] |
S.D.
Shit sucks. But it's dead on.
the Observer
Test finished!
you chose BZ - your Enneagram type is FIVE.
"I need to understand the world"
Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.
How to Get Along with Me
Be independent, not clingy.
Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
don't come on like a bulldozer.
Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.
What I Like About Being a Five
standing back and viewing life objectively
coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
not being caught up in material possessions and status
being calm in a crisis
What's Hard About Being a Five
being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally
Fives as Children Often
spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
have a few special friends rather than many
are very bright and curious and do well in school
have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected
Fives as Parents
are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages
You liked the test? so please RATE it...
but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BZ
Would you rather have chosen:
AZ (THREE)
CZ (ONE)
BX (NINE)
BY (FOUR)
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 21% on ABC
You scored higher than 0% on XYZ
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| You'll Do Well |
[20 Dec 2005|09:41am] |
S.D.
I feel sick like a mother f*cker, once again.
My ears are burning this time. I like how this journal makes me seem like some whiney s.o.b. But, what else would you grasp from the sour vignette...
Nada.
Winter break is here, my roomie just left, I'm here once more with aching muscles.
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[07 Nov 2005|02:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 discontent |
] |
Fuck, my innards are burning again. It gets this way when I detox which is why I don't detox as often as I should.
Drugs are good enough for me...at least, certain drugs.
Drugs has such a bad connotation. I'll just call the medicine for now on.
Anyway, I haven't ingested any medicine for a good while, which sucks, because I really would like to get back into those feelings again. I miss them. Psychologically, I miss them. Physiologically, I do, the same.
Things are unravelling once more, another girl is crying for the relationship we will never have, the one she hope and prayed for, but I can't deal with this. I'm not speaking to her nor her friend that I was closer to. She's fucked over a few things in my way of living, but it's nothing I can't amend one way or another.
Hey...I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I wish I could leave this place but where would I go? Would I be alone? Can I manage like that? It's worth a try...but maybe I'm just travelling through a manic episode and will look back on this if I settle for a while, and realize I did the right thing. However, if it's not the case, I will be down for wasting so much time. Time is so precious.
My head is killing me, mother fucking.
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[19 Oct 2005|02:42am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Are you listening? Is anyone, nowadays?
So down and depressed. Nothing going how things should be in my idealistic mind. Sundancing.
Tried to quit smoking but failed since I needed something to be there for me. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Everyone sucks. Everyone and you. What can I say...
College is too good its ruining my life. Well, this independence. I don't know how to manage so it manages me in my bliss. It'll all catch up to me. People have gone and I've only myself once more. I knew it wouldn't last.
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| It's Way Too Late... |
[08 Aug 2005|01:09pm] |
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mood |
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Golden |
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music |
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Brown |
] |
All right, all right.
Nothing at the moment is really gripping or distracting except the thought of my school a.k.a. freedom. How can I call school out on such a happy ideal? Because I will be leaving this house. That is all.
Oh...This girl who I've been with in a weird way says she loves me. She said she loved me the first night we were together and insists she loves me. The trouble is I'm in love with someone else.
That someone else has yet to make their presence in my life. I have yet to know their name, age, location or gender. I still don't know if I will meet them but I do know I am not in love with her and I can't force myself. I've tried this mental trickery but it doesn't work and just depresses me. This makes her cry even though I say I love her in a platonic way. We've established this but it's not enough for her...and I can't bring myself to give her what she needs. I can't bring myself to cut ties altogether because how we start in the beginning was based off that...her not feeling loved. I didn't even want to say I loved her when I first did because it wasn't right at all. I've screwed myself over this time, really good. Really well. Kudos to the moron.
So, she wants to spend her days with me but I, as terrible as this may seem, can only stand her for so long. We're not on any level and it is draining my very essence. I'm numb to all her emotions but I fake the sentiments well enough, I suppose. I don't even sound coherent typing this. This is such a shoddy piece of writing, this journal, this whole thing...it irritates me. As I was saying...she's not who I envisioned spending my days with...I haven't even thought of that period...and I like being alone. I prefer it. Still, when there is someone on the level, things might change...but that will happen as soon as I change my major to mathematics. I believe I forgot to mention that mathematics in all its forms is the anti-christ. :)
Anytime, anytime now.
Wait.
Breathe.
Bleed.
Wait.
I kind of thought of how I'd look kneeling in the kitchen with a long strand of saliva running down my face. I kind of wondered.
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| Bernard Soomnare haas nevuh soong bettah! |
[05 Aug 2005|01:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
SHIT, I JUST SAW A NEW ORDER COMMERCIAL FOR WAITING FOR THE SIREN'S CALL.
I ALMOST CRIED.
I THINK I WILL.
holymotherfucking, I better find a place to download that sumbitch.
Too bad I find the actual song "Waiting for the Siren's Call" to be really depressing.
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| It's Nothing I Regret |
[29 Jul 2005|07:18pm] |
I once had a friend.
(I consider them a friend in hindsight.)
Who left me. She said another needed her more than I did.
One should never say those words.
Even if anything other would be lies. Or truth.
Desperation may be blinding my view on necessity but it doesn't blind my view to emotional stabs.
So, I guess, I don't need her as much as the other. Still, I harbor a grudge because of my loss.
My losing.
P.S. My throat hurts.
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[16 Jun 2005|05:54pm] |
I wish I could just look the other way.
I just found the AVEN..or something to that extent, and it's a nice little place for people like me. I could kiss life once more, seeing that I am not so completely alone. Praise to some sort of angel and thanks to those who feel the need to be labelled asexual. I don't feel so lonely...still empty, but not entirely lonely. And...I'm still a bit unsure about the whole "label" thing altogether. However, since people ask, I need to clarify something and well, the AVEN thing does give a nice clarification/interpretation at the same time. I hate labels, still. But I hate lonliness even more. Lonliness and emptiness...most loyal sons of bitches I've ever come to know. A shame to admit but...there I go.
If I could only find someone to talk to tete a tete I'd be more relaxed with all my sexual peers. WHY THE SEX, PEERS? WHY?
God only knows. God only knows while I'm still here with my stomach hurting and my head throbbing. Please, elucidate me a little, God.
What the deuce am I doing up this early, anyway?
( Why can't we just play the other game... )
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[23 Apr 2005|12:40am] |
Ah, so everything is rapidly coming on, the girl I was with is rapidly disintegrating, I am increasingly getting built up for something...I don't know.
It may be the new year coming ahead, leaving the old rags behind since all they've done is fill time. Why would I want to fill time as I have? I don't know, but some were good, some weren't.
I'm confused on everything and the only one I looked forward in getting to know has died. I'm so sorry I let you break your neck. I'm so ridiculously sorry, baby.
My head hurts.
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